For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
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narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
yes… yes…
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.