yes… yes…
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Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
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Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.