My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
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My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.