date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
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me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.