You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
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[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Carpe DM
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.