Carpe DM
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Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
50 shades of grey = my Liver
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*