The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
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People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!