Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
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Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.