yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
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What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*