My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
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Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary