Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
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Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.