can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
You Might Also Like
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers