8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
You Might Also Like
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!