This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
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Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.