This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
![]()
You Might Also Like
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I think they could have phrased this better
![]()
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
![]()
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?