You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
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You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]