@Lisa_Laughs_
@TheBoydP Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
You Might Also Like
@TheBoydP 
@PaperWash 6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
@theRNbiologist 
@brendohare By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
@TheTweetOfGod One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
@DanMentos “Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
@meganamram Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
@TEXASVETERAN How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
@OllyiConic COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
@thepatrickwalsh My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.