Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
And also a fork.
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6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
COP: step outta the car
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.