@Lisa_Laughs_

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

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@TheBoydP

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

@PaperWash

6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]

me: [hides behind GF]

GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-

me: look, we need more strong female lead char-

@brendohare

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

@TheTweetOfGod

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

@DanMentos

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

@meganamram

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

@TEXASVETERAN

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

@OllyiConic

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

@thepatrickwalsh

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.