My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
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My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.