ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
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I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression