I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
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HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Most fashion shows these days…
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one