New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
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“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
A leaf blower, but for people.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.