New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
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There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
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It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
The cashier just checked me out.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
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FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?