Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
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Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
no one ever comes back
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I’m giving up ice.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
PARKOUR
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”