Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
You Might Also Like
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Lmaoo 😂
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
My flabber has been gasted.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.