PARKOUR
You Might Also Like
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
🤣✨#caturday
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.