🤣✨#caturday
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Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.