“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game![]()
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Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
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I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38