Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
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i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
U talkin 2 me?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women