I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
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There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”