CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
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Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.