Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
You Might Also Like
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.