ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
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If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I have obtained a hat
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
do u think theres a butter planet?
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.