Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
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I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
The Onion called it…again.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.