The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
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Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Body by sandwich.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.