Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
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Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad