Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
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This was the best day of my life
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
This guy gets it.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.