The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
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Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.