Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
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Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
There are no pants in heaven.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Breaking news:
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power