The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
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In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Unimpressed
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time