Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
What the dentist sees
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her