5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
You Might Also Like
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.