“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
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Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
My therapist after every session
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
what?
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “