I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.