I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
You Might Also Like
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
When someone says you are so lazy
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM