Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
You Might Also Like
#CatsOnTwitter
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Cat.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…