I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
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If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
There is wisdom there.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?