Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
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me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
(2022)
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.