[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
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[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.