me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
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Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.