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Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay