got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
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Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
How to wake up a Beagle
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job