Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
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In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.