Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
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[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
no one likes gloating
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day